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xzanthia
30-year old Woman
Tampa / Denver, Florida, United States |
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| Wednesday, May 27 2009 12:10 PM |
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Subject: Base Weblog |
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Green Lights and Red Flags (PT 2) |
Since I have been back in Florida I have been rediscovering who I am and what it is that I am looking for in this life. I have almost become 14 years old again, fearful of the fall but wanting to fly. I am sure that all of life is this way, this forever morphing orb of emotion and actions. Doors will forever be opened and closed, if we want them to or not. We will always have times of greatness and times of squallier. Acts of will are only as strong as ones true desire. Denying ones true desire for fear is not a action of will. Fear is there as a guideline, not a wall, life is a river with many twists and turns and although a 30 foot water fall could be just around the bend, it does not matter now, for we are enjoying the ride. And once you fall, there will always be calm waters ahead. Yes we know this, we are intellectual beings, but more then this we are emotional beings chemically addicted to sensation, be it positive or negative.
Living in the eye, and being recognized is a lesser level to getting my work out there and being known as my name is beginning to carry weight. Having the look that I do publicly it attracts much attention, some desired, some not. However it all levels out. I understand that sex sells and if it weren’t for my looks it would be harder to get to where I am in my career. However it does come with its downfalls. This is why I have “Married” on my profile. As well as the constant statement of not being interested in romantic involvement. That is why I often find it strange when a couple put on there profile that they are single, it’s that they are keeping there options open. People believe that I am silly for using myspace stats to understand people and there intentions. But it is there public skin. It shows there true level of contentment. That is why even when single, I never put single on my profile. I do not want to be put on the market, even if I am truly on the market. I am not up for the highest bidder. I am not an idem, a trophy or a notch on a belt. I am a emotionally passionate person who’s driving force is love of all that this life has to offer without hurting those around me or myself. . I am only interested in a life partner, but how can I get one if I am afraid of dating. It like I want to become a fish but I am scared of the water. Well, my ruling planet is Venus. So I am ruled my love. My love for art, community, people and family as well as our earth and knowledge. I am immensely passionate and communicative. Powerful and intimidating. I am aware of who I am and my projected persona. I live in my head so much it is sometimes hard to understand those around me from who they really are and not the idea of them I made up to comfort me. Only with open communication, “no holds bar” without feeling or making others feel interrogated, can this come to a full and true understanding. Only when you totally understand a situation can you embrace it. I mean this in all of life. I feel it with the resort, My art, Career, Desires, Self awareness and love.
It is strange how people react and how you react to them. It is strange how your narcissism can be your defeat. Your ego your downfall. Only when you submit yourself to the situation and become vulnerable, can you truly understand it for what it is, but when you show a hungry wolf your throat don’t be surprised if it takes the opportunity, it’s simply in the creatures nature. We must except this and still offer our selves to the pack in all our weakness, if they do not devour you, you become one of them and can run with the pack.
When I, like so many bloggers, write, I can not be to personally directed towards any one subject or person. I must be vague but direct, not condescending but understood and in the same breath, I can more parse any one person or situation for the feelings of others as well as the change that could occur and most often will throughout life which makes one who writes passing thoughts and feelings seem like they are going back on there word. Emotions will blind us into submission. We will give in if we are not strong to understand and move through wide eyed and bushy tailed. |
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